


The word love doesn't exist

by Osamuswifey



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, M/M, Parent's arguing, TW for both of them, Underage Smoking, and its trash, but only at the beginning, i hate this im finna cry, its rushed, the only thing thats good in the whole story is the ending, this made me cry lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28063794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Osamuswifey/pseuds/Osamuswifey
Summary: Kita and Aran start a relationship in their second year of high school. During Kita's third year, he starts to avoid Aran for personal reasons.Okay that was really bad and ahem.Okay sorry i'm bad at this help.tHis is trash, like literal trash. Its so rushed and uGhhHGhHHghGHhHh
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Ojiro Aran
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	The word love doesn't exist

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second fanfic and umm i wasn't going to do this, because its angst... I thought arankita deserved more and so i made a fanfic about them... AND OF COURSE IT JUST HAD TO BE ANGST
> 
> Ahem
> 
> This is absolute trash. It feels so rushed and i don't like it, like at all. It's so bad andi just wanna cry cuz i spent a whole day on it and it turns out so robotic, so im sorry for that. It seems rushed BUT IT WASNT ISTG
> 
> I do not own haikyuu or the characters, (except Risako) i just own the story. All rights go to the creator of haikyuu!!
> 
> Also, there is TW for parents arguing and underage smoking.
> 
> Alright enjoy :D

“Okay guys!! Go change and get ready for classes!”

Everyone replied to Kita with a sharp “YES!”

Kita looked over at Aran and went to him, softly pressing a kiss to his plump lips. Aran smiled into the kiss. 

“Come on shin, let’s get ready.”

Kita nodded while smiling. Aran kissed Kita’s forehead, then cheek, then neck. Kita smiled wider, wrapping his arms around Aran’s neck, connecting their foreheads, lips inches apart. 

“Come on! You guys can do that later! We’re late!”

Kita and Aran blushed and immediately let go of each other, running to the locker rooms to change. 

~~~~~

The day went by extremely slow. It was Tuesday, so Aran and Kita didn’t have any classes together. 

Aran sat in the back of the class, head resting on his palm, elbow on the table. The last class of the day before practice. It was obvious what he was thinking about. Kita Shinsuke. 

He thought of holding his hands, kissing his skin, cuddling with him on cold nights and just being with him. Being with him made Aran get butterflies. 

“Class dismissed!!”

Aran quickly packed his things. He started walking to Kita’s class. 

Kita walked out of his class and immediately jumped onto Aran.

“I missed you!!”

He said while pouting. Aran gave a light chuckle before kissing the top of Kita’s head. 

“I missed you too Shin.”

Kita kissed Aran’s lips. Then dragged Aran to practice. 

The twins along with Suna, Akagi and Ginjima were already there.

“You’re late captain!”

Atsumu said.

“They were probably making out with each other in the bathroom or something.”

Suna said, while slightly smirking.

Kita turned a bright red while Aran just chuckled and said:

“Are you just telling us what you and Osamu do?”

Osamu and Suna turned a bright shade of red and ran away. Kita chuckled kissing Aran’s cheek. In return, Aran kissed the back of Kita’s hand. 

They both separated and got changed for practice. 

~~~~~

After practice, Kita and Aran were walking back home. 

“Hey… Can I stay over?”

Kita asked Aran.

“Getting bold, are we?”

Kita blushed, looking down. Aran put his arm around Kita and chuckled.

“Of course you can, babe.”  
“Oh thanks. I just have to get some clothes.”

Aran nodded, kissing the top of Kita’s head. 

They reached Kita’s house after a few minutes. 

“Wait here.”

Kita said kissing Aran.

He walked into his house, praying that none of his parents were home. He started walking to his room, but when he passed his parent’s room, he heard shouting. It was muffled so he couldn’t make out what they were saying, Well it's not like he even wanted to... He got to his room and packed a small duffel bag. 

On the way out, he knocked on his parent’s door. His mom opened the door.

“I-I’m staying over at Aran’s.”

His mom just nodded and slammed the door, continuing the argument. Kita sighed, walking down the stairs and out the door. Aran looked back at him, grabbing his duffel bag.

“You okay, Shin?”

Aran asked a few minutes after they left Kita’s house. 

“Huh? O-oh, I just get this feeling that I’m forgetting something.”

Aran chuckled.

“That’s unlikely. Don’t need to worry. We can turn around if you want.”  
“No that’s okay.”

~~~~~

They reached Aran’s house. His parents were out of town for two weeks. 

“You can stay here for a week or two if you want to.”

Kita looked at Aran.

“I would love to.”

A week without having to listen to his parents arguing? Yes please.

They went up to Aran’s room. Aran flopped down on his bed, Kita on top of him.

“Let’s shower.”

Kita said.

“But we showered after practice?”

Kita looked at Aran and smirked.

“Not together.”

Aran chuckled.

“If that’s what you want.”

They got up and went to the bathroom. Aran ran the tub and they got in.

Kita was on top of Aran, back to his chest. Aran had his hands wrapped around Kita, gently running his fingers up and down Kita’s arms. 

Aran started kissing Kita’s neck and face. Kita giggled when Aran kissed his lips.

“You’re adorable shin.”

Kita kissed Aran’s lips and they kissed for a while before pulling away. Kita rested his head back on Aran’s shoulder. It was silent, a comfortable silence at that. Kita slowly closed his eyes, feeling safe. 

They stayed like that for about an hour before getting up and rinsing themselves off. 

Kita got some comfortable shorts from his bag. He wanted to wear one of Aran’s hoodies, as they were big on him and very comfortable. 

He turned around to ask Aran for a hoodie. His face flushed red when he saw Aran in just a towel around his waist. Well obviously he saw Aran with a towel just minutes before, but…

Aran had way more muscles than Kita and his abs were… wow.  
kita hugged Aran from behind, wrapping his arms around Aran’s waist. Aran smiled and placed his hands over Kita’s. 

“I want to wear one of your hoodies.”

Kita said. Aran turned around, nodded, gave Kita a peck on the lips and went to grab a hoodie for him. 

He got one and handed it to kita, then he grabbed an oversized tee with some sweatpants for himself.

“Come on. I’ll make something for you to eat.”

Aran walked out the room, Kita trailing behind him, holding his hand. Aran looked down at Kita and thought, ‘So cute’. 

Aran went to the kitchen and picked Kita up, placing him on the counter. 

He hugged him for a minute before deciding to make some rice and curry.

They talked about random things, while waiting for the food to be ready. After they ate, they went back to Aran’s room to do homework and watch some movies.

They helped each other with homework and watched a movie before falling asleep.

They had the same routine every day for two weeks. School, home, shower, eat, homework and then movies. 

Aran’s parents came home to find Aran on top of Kita on the couch, cuddling. They took a picture before waking them up. 

Aran’s parents were very supportive of their relationship. They loved Kita and knew Aran liked Kita the moment he saw him. They treated Kita like their own and was very happy. 

“Sorry, we must have fallen asleep…”

Aran’s mom shook her head at her son.

“It’s fine. But do your parents know you’ll be coming back home late?”

Kita looked at Aran’s mom, fear in his eyes.

“W-what time is it?”  
“9pm.”

He started freaking out. He was supposed to be home at 7. He was worried cause he knew his parents would fight if he wasn’t home.

“I-I gotta go…”

Kita started panicking while trying to grab his stuff.

“Shin! Hey! Hey… Hey shin!”

Aran was trying to calm Kita. He engulfed Kita into a hug, rubbing his back.

“I-I have to g-go…”

Kita was visibly panicking and it was understandable. I mean his parents would freak out if their child, who is never late comes home late. 

“Hey it’s okay… I’ll go with you-“  
“NO!”

Aran looked at Kita shocked.

“I-I’m sorry!”

Aran wondered why he shouted. Kita almost never lost his cool. 

He didn’t question it and helped Kita get his stuff. He walked Kita to the door and gave him a hug and a kiss.

“Be safe!”

Kita nodded, running out the door.

~~~~~

Kita reached his house and heard loud shouts from the inside. He was screwed. 

He carefully opened the door, shutting it quietly behind him.

The noises were louder and more violent. Kita covered his ears with his hands. Why was it so loud??!!

He started having an anxiety attack. The noises were so loud. It had been a while since his last anxiety attack. He hated loud noises, he couldn’t move unless he had someone to comfort him. His parents’ shouts would be muffled but it was too loud this time. It wasn’t muffled. He couldn’t make out the words but all he could focus on was the noise level. He wanted to run out the door and back to Aran’s house, he wanted to text Aran and asks to come get him, but he couldn’t move. His hands were glued to his ears and refused to move. He was afraid that If he separated his hands and ears, the noise would grow louder. 

This continued for some time before the noises died down. 

“Shinsuke?”

He heard his mom coming towards him.

He slowly removed his hands.

“Shinsuke…”

He grabbed his bag and ran up the stairs. He slammed his door shut and locked it. 

He started falling to the floor, back against the door. Hot tears fell down his face. 

“IT’S YOUR FAULT!!”  
“WHAT THE HELL? IT’S YOUR FAULT! THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN’T-“ 

Kita brought his hands to his ears again. He started hyperventilating. He got up and went to his desk drawer grabbing his noise cancellation headphones. He put some music on and flopped on his bed. 

He started to relax. He thought about Aran. He mentally thanked Aran for giving him two whole weeks of peace. 

~~~~~

Kita wasn’t at practice the next day. It worried Aran. He texted Kita so many times, but Kita never responded. 

“Guys, since Shinsuke isn’t at practice today, Omimi will be captain for now.”  
“Hey umm..?”  
“Yes Aran?”

Aran paused before continuing.

“Is shin okay?”  
“Yes. He’s just sick.”

Aran nodded and started to practice. 

~~~~~

Kita didn’t want to ignore Aran. He needed Aran’s comfort, but he knew he had to explain why. He didn’t want to face Aran. He wanted a break…

He knew Aran would come to his house, so he waited. Thankfully his parents were at work. 

The doorbell rang and Kita waited a few minutes before opening the door.

“Hey…”  
“Shin! Oh my god! Are you okay?”

Kita nodded.

“Can you come in? We need to talk…”

Aran was visibly frightened but he went in. They went to the living room and sat on the couch. It was quite for a few minutes, tension in the air.

“Aran… I need space…”

Kita was blunt. He didn’t want to beat around the bush. 

There was a long pause before Aran spoke up.

“That’s… fine.”

Kita expected this answer. He knew Aran would do anything and everything for him. But he didn’t know if he would do anything and everything for Aran.

Kita got up and hugged Aran, tighter than ever before. Aran hugged back, burying his head into Kita’s shoulder. 

The hug lasted for a few minutes before they both pulled away, Aran walking to the front door. He waved at Kita and started walking back home.

And just like that, they were on a break…

~~~~~

It had been a few days since that day. Kita’s house got louder each day, to the point where his headphones were useless. He wanted something to get his mind off everything. He needed to do something for this to go away.

Kita went to the store to get some snacks, since there were none at home. 

“Oh my god, Kita?!”

Kita turned around and saw his old friend, from middle school.

“Oh, Risako!”  
“Long time no see!”

Kita laughed and they started chatting while they got snacks. They paid for their stuff and started walking to a café. 

“So Kita, what’s up?”  
“Huh?”  
“There’s something bothering you, I can tell.”

They had both sat down at a café and ordered some coffee. Kita started playing with his mug. He was debating whether or not he should tell Risako everything. He really needed to get it off his chest, so he did. 

Risako listened until Kita was done.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through that.”

Kita looked down sadly. 

“Have you tried smoking?”

Kita looked up Risako, shocked.

“Smoking?”  
“Basically, something happened to me a while ago. And I started smoking and it somehow really helped. But I didn’t get addicted, but you might, so be careful.”

Kita never thought about smoking. 

“I want to try it…”

Risako gave Kita the number of the guy he got cigarettes from.

“Can’t you just get some from the store?”

Kita asked.

“Well yeah, but it’s easier to go to him, get cigarettes and you don’t have to take a pack home. So no one will know.”

Kita thought about it and agreed. They exchanged numbers as they were starting to leave.

~~~~~

Kita texted the guy and got a reply hours later.

‘I’m free on Saturday. Come to ------“

Kita was nervous. He never met up with strangers before. But he was desperate. 

After a week, Saturday finally came. Kita went out at 8pm to go to the given address.

He reached and started to look around, but he saw no one.

“You kita?”

Kita jumped a little and looked behind him to see a guy, around his age. 

“Yeah…”

"Follow me."

He took kita to a place and had them sit against the wall.

The man handed Kita a packet of cigarettes and explained how to use it.

Kita hesitantly took the cigarette out of the man’s hand. 

“What’s your name?”

The man looked at Kita and said. 

“I’ll tell you when the time comes.”

The man said while lighting the cigarette.

Kita takes the now lit cigarette and puts it between his middle finger and index finger. He brings it up to his mouth and inhales.

He started coughing.

“Take it slow!”

Kita nods looking at the man. 

He was kind of cute, but not really. 

“You’re here to smoke, not stare at my face.”

Kita chuckled, bringing the cigarette up to his lips, inhaling. He felt whole lot better, immediately relaxed. 

~~~~~ 

This went on for a month. Kita met up with the man every week and they smoked. They started getting closer, Both opening up to each other. 

After a month of doing this, the man texted Kita to ask him when he was going to come. Kita had a lot of homework, but agreed to meet up late at night. 

Kita hated staying up at night. He hated messing up his sleeping schedule but, his life was a mess right now and he could care less about sleep. 

Kita snuck out at around 1 am. He went to the alleyway, feeling something was going to happen.

“Hey.”

The man looked up at Kita and gave him a cigarette.

“Hey.”

Kita held the cigarette between his lips and lit it. He took a long drag and exhaled.

“How’re your parents?”

Kita looked at the ground, kicking a rock.

“Worse.”

The man sighed, taking a cigarette out and lighting it. 

They stayed in comfortable silence for a while. 

Kita was done and so he threw his cigarette in an ashtray.

“I’m going to go. See ya.”

Kita waved at the man, but the guy grabbed Kita by his waist and started kissing him. Kita was shocked but didn’t pull away. 

After a few seconds, he kissed back. The kiss quickly turned into a make out session. Kita was running out of breath and he couldn’t process what was happening. 

~~~~~

Kita awoke the next day, in someone’s room. He turned to his side to see a sleeping figure.

Did he?... Oh god no…

He started scrambling around looking for his phone. He still had his clothes on so that was a relief. The man awoke.

“What’s wrong?”  
“Where’s my phone??!”

The man gave Kita his phone and Kita grabbed it to see many missed calls and messages from his parents. And one text from Aran…

‘Hey shin, how are you?’

He stared at the message and realized what he did. They were on a break, they didn’t break up… Kita cheated on Aran…

Kita looked at the man and ran out the door with his phone. He ran and ran until he realized he was lost. He started panicking and started looking for any signs that would tell him where he was.

He recognized a building and ran towards the park near it. He ran until he reached the place. 

The place Aran showed to him. 

He sat on the grass, letting hot tears stream down his face. 

~~~~

Kita didn’t talk to Aran or even look at him the whole day. It was a Friday and Aran wanted to ask Kita to hangout. He realized maybe things might have gotten worse for Kita so he decided in not saying anything.

The next month, Kita avoided Aran more than usual. When they had classes together, he would sit far away. When they had lunch, he would sit with others, and when they had practice he wouldn’t tell Aran good job or even look at him.

Aran had enough so he waited for Kita after practice. Kita locked up the gym and saw Aran outside. He knew it would be useless trying to avoid him.

“What’s going on?”

Aran asked. Usually Aran was very nice and calm, but he sounded cold and harsh.

“Just stuff.”  
“Why are you avoiding me?”

Kita stayed silent.

“Kita why are you avoiding me?

Kita looked up, shocked at the fact Aran called him “Kita” and not “Shin”. 

“Nothing, can you please leave me alone?”

Aran looked sad, but angry too…?

Aran was visibly upset. He turned around and walked away from Kita. He took another route, the route that was faster to get to his house. 

Kita watched him leave silently. He stood at the front of the gym, thinking. Well not thinking. He was thinking about not trying to think. 

He started walking to his house slowly. His parents were out, so he had the whole house to himself. 

He decided to take a bath and get something to eat.

~~~~~

Aran walked to kita’s house, knowing something was wrong. He knew the code to Kita’s back door. He pressed the code and slowly opened the door. He heard the shower running so he relaxed and went to hide in the cabinet under the stairs. 

He knew what he was doing was wrong. He promised Kita he would give him space, and now here he is, spying on Kita.

A long time passed and it should have been around 9pm. He heard Kita walking down the stairs. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a snack, walked back into the living room and sat on the couch.

He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, so why was he avoiding Aran?

The doorbell rang and Kita got up to open the door. Aran slid the cabinet door open a little bit.

He saw a guy around their age at the door. 

“Kita I miss you, It’s lonely.”  
“Blunt aren’t you?”

Kita said while rolling his eyes.

“Don’t you have other people to sell cigarettes to?”  
“It’s not the same as you Kita. You’re different. I loved staying up with you.”

There was a long pause.

“Can you please leave?”

The man took a step forward, with his hands against the door frame. 

“That kiss…”

‘KISS?!’ Aran thought.

“That was a mistake.”  
“Kita you can’t lie. You felt something.”

Kita was starting to get mad.

“I didn’t. Shut up. Leave. Now.”

He was very clear with his words. But the man grabbed Kita’s waist and kissed him. 

Aran was watching this with anger boiling inside of him. He waited for Kita to pull away or push the man, but he didn’t…

Aran was done. He got out of the cabinet and charged at the man.

“ARAN?!”

Kita shouted and immediately pushed the man away.

“Aran…”

It was too late. Aran’s fist connected with the man’s face. That was going to leave a mark for sure.

The guy fell to the ground, coughing out blood.

“Oh my god!! Aran?!”

Kita said while he made eye contact with Aran. Pure rage in his eyes. He was silently saying “Don’t interrupt.” 

Kita stepped back and the guy got up, returning the punch. Aran was taken aback but punched the guy in his stomach. 

Kita was mentally cursing himself for creating something like this. He couldn’t do anything because if he got involved then he would just get hurt and he knew Aran wouldn’t like that. 

The man got up and immediately started running out the door.

Aran cursed under his breath and ran after the guy.

“NO! WAIT STOP!”

Kita ran after Aran. He was screaming at Aran to stop. 

He never felt so worried in his life. 

Then it happened.

Aran ran on the road.

~~~~~

“Hey mom, I’m going to go visit Aran.”

Kita’s mom nodded her head as Kita stepped out the door. It had been two months since the “incident”, and Aran was currently in a coma. The guy changed his number and any traces of him were gone. A car had hit Aran, but it slowed down at the last moment, but the speed was still enough for Aran to hit his head. 

Kita walked by the park and went to the place Aran’s showed him. He picked a few of Aran’s favorite flowers and tied them with a ribbon. 

He walked to the hospital, Bouquet in hand. 

“Hi, I’m here for Ojiro Aran?”

The lady smiled at Kita and told him which room Aran was in. He thanked her and started walking toward the elevator. 

When he reached Aran’s room door, he knocked twice. 

Some ruffling could be heard and Aran’s mom opened the door. 

“Oh kita! It’s so nice to see you again!”

She gave Kita a small hug before leaving the room, to give Kita privacy. 

Kita looked at Aran, memories of their relationship flashed through his mind. He looked over at his heart rate monitor. Steady…

He started walking toward Aran, and sat on the chair beside the bed.

“Hey… I got these for you.”

Kita placed the bouquet near Aran’s hand.

“So… I want to say something. It’s been going through my mind for a while and I need to tell you.”

Kita looked at Aran. He gently reached his hand out to caress his cheek. He knew Aran loved that. He withdrew his hand and took Aran’s hand in his. 

“I don’t remember when it started, but… when you asked me out, my parents were in a bad place. They didn’t want to get a divorce, but they fought every single day. I had loads of anxiety attacks from listening to them and I needed someone’s comfort. I acted like everything was okay, and that I was fine, but it was all too much. I said yes to you because I thought I could finally have some kind of comfort. I didn’t tell you about this, because I didn’t want you to worry… Actually, that’s a lie. I didn’t want you to find out that I was just using you for comfort. I myself, didn’t want to admit I was… I started smoking for a month because one of my old friends said it helped them… They went to this guy, the same guy that you chased… I hung out with him and smoked with him. One day he just kissed me… and… I didn’t pull away, I kissed him back. Yeah I know I’m a horrible person. But after that I stopped smoking for like a month before he showed up at my house… and you know how that went.”

He chuckled while pressing a kiss to Aran’s knuckles. 

“You remember… that day… when you took me to that place and said all that cheesy stuff. Something like, “I love you more than I love you shin” and “There is no word to express what I feel about you, the word love doesn’t exist”…”

Kita looked down as tears started to fall. He took a deep breath in and said the next words in a broken voice.

“You were right… The word love doesn’t exist, it doesn’t exist because… “

He cried more tears, heavy tears…

“I never fell in love with you.”


End file.
